These are the words Maisie can say now: STOP! NO! Daddy. Mommy. Momma. Baba. EAT! Please. Hello. Hi. Up. More. Good. Girl. Yummy. Nanny. Baby. Eyes. Ears. Noes. Cracker.
I'm pretty sure there's a game of Mad Libs in there somewhere. It's mostly nouns, mind you.
"Hello yummy mommy, daddy eat baba ears, eyes, and noes. Daddy NO! STOP! Hi good girl Nanny? Cracker please!"
It's a start.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Claaaaaaaaassic.
I love this movie. It may be in my all time top-10, definitely top-10 for comedy. I alway laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFk9SRzY6io
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFk9SRzY6io
Athletes!?
Sooooo I get into this heated debate today with my brother-in-law about what an athlete is. He feels that if people are capable of incredible feats of cardiovascular endurance then they are automatically an athlete (which, by default, qualifies him because he's a really good road biker). I completely disagreed with him because those people, as impressive as their feats are, are really just one-trick ponies. Scrawny little people with insane endurance and little of anything else. Literally they are working at a sub-maximal level for hours and hours and, depending on the day/event/landscape, may have to sprint from time-to-time.
Compare this to a football linebacker. He goes from standing still to EXPLODING forward at 100% ability only to smash into someone usually much larger than he is 0.5 seconds later, maybe then having to get up off the turf only to run away to catch someone smaller and faster than him for a few more seconds all the time hitting (or being hit), dodging, jumping, diving and whatever else it takes to finish the play. Then he rests about 60 seconds and does it again but only completely different.
To me, this is the quintessential example of what an athlete does and what he is capable of. Constant variation, adaptation, speed, strength, endurance, agility, will, power, etc, etc, etc over and over again. Being really fucking good at riding a bike for a long long time is about as un-athletic as it can be by comparison. And if you talk about pro riders, they are some of THE MOST drugged-up people in all of sports. Sure every pro football play would have done roids to get where he is, anyone in they're right mind knows this; but pro riders deny the claims they juice like nobody's business. Cracker please!
So, in conclusion, I am right and he is wrong and all is well and good in the universe. The end.
I can do a wheelie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr6Na4NH7J8
Compare this to a football linebacker. He goes from standing still to EXPLODING forward at 100% ability only to smash into someone usually much larger than he is 0.5 seconds later, maybe then having to get up off the turf only to run away to catch someone smaller and faster than him for a few more seconds all the time hitting (or being hit), dodging, jumping, diving and whatever else it takes to finish the play. Then he rests about 60 seconds and does it again but only completely different.
To me, this is the quintessential example of what an athlete does and what he is capable of. Constant variation, adaptation, speed, strength, endurance, agility, will, power, etc, etc, etc over and over again. Being really fucking good at riding a bike for a long long time is about as un-athletic as it can be by comparison. And if you talk about pro riders, they are some of THE MOST drugged-up people in all of sports. Sure every pro football play would have done roids to get where he is, anyone in they're right mind knows this; but pro riders deny the claims they juice like nobody's business. Cracker please!
So, in conclusion, I am right and he is wrong and all is well and good in the universe. The end.
I can do a wheelie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr6Na4NH7J8
Monday, October 31, 2011
Coolness
Things that are no longer cool, according to me:
Bluetooths: Is the plural 'Blueteeth?' Walking around with a mini-phone in your ear seemingly talking to yourself is not cool. In fact, it is lame and makes you look like a raving lunatic. Second to that is hands-free talking on your cell, I just don't want to know about the intimate details of your recent visit to the kidney specialist.
Automatic car-starters: Starting your car when you are not in your car is lame unless it is 20 below or worse. It was cool in 1991, when I first witnessed that being done, but now it is weak sauce. Why do this? Is burning off extra fuel before you even enter your vehicle some sociological rite of passage?
Bitching about the weather (especially on Facebook): Unless you live in San Diego, where it's 25 Celsius out every single day of the year, you may not bitch about the weather. It is what it is, you can't change it, and the weather sucks wherever you are.
Fahrenheit: Get with the times, for the love of Jesus. I think maybe only the States and Belize use this antiquated form of measurement. It's like weighing things in quintals or in relation to how much your neighbour's sheep weighs.
Fat people with little beards or goatees: Give it up, the only reason you grew it is to establish a jawline. Goatees aren't overly cool these days but beards have made a major comeback, which sucks for me because I'd have one but my job doesn't allow it. But having one to cover your jowls or to create the appearance of having a jaw equals lameness of epic proportions.
Picky eaters: I constantly hear people talking about food they don't like. Who cares? Why are people so forthcoming about things they don't enjoy eating? A life that does not involve vegetables is a sad life to me. I don't like everything, but I like a lot of things and it blows me away when I meet a fully-formed adult and they say something like, "Oh I don't like '_____'." That's too bad, but why are you telling me this? I don't like having to work for a living but I still frickin' do it!
I could go on, but the coffee is wearing off...
G-Stay Cool...
Bluetooths: Is the plural 'Blueteeth?' Walking around with a mini-phone in your ear seemingly talking to yourself is not cool. In fact, it is lame and makes you look like a raving lunatic. Second to that is hands-free talking on your cell, I just don't want to know about the intimate details of your recent visit to the kidney specialist.
Automatic car-starters: Starting your car when you are not in your car is lame unless it is 20 below or worse. It was cool in 1991, when I first witnessed that being done, but now it is weak sauce. Why do this? Is burning off extra fuel before you even enter your vehicle some sociological rite of passage?
Bitching about the weather (especially on Facebook): Unless you live in San Diego, where it's 25 Celsius out every single day of the year, you may not bitch about the weather. It is what it is, you can't change it, and the weather sucks wherever you are.
Fahrenheit: Get with the times, for the love of Jesus. I think maybe only the States and Belize use this antiquated form of measurement. It's like weighing things in quintals or in relation to how much your neighbour's sheep weighs.
Fat people with little beards or goatees: Give it up, the only reason you grew it is to establish a jawline. Goatees aren't overly cool these days but beards have made a major comeback, which sucks for me because I'd have one but my job doesn't allow it. But having one to cover your jowls or to create the appearance of having a jaw equals lameness of epic proportions.
Picky eaters: I constantly hear people talking about food they don't like. Who cares? Why are people so forthcoming about things they don't enjoy eating? A life that does not involve vegetables is a sad life to me. I don't like everything, but I like a lot of things and it blows me away when I meet a fully-formed adult and they say something like, "Oh I don't like '_____'." That's too bad, but why are you telling me this? I don't like having to work for a living but I still frickin' do it!
I could go on, but the coffee is wearing off...
G-Stay Cool...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Da Youngsters
Let's preface this post with, 'I love my kids.' There, now I can talk about anything I want with impunity; free from any quick intakes of breath (GASP) or accusations of terrible parenting.
One of the funniest thing about parenthood is that unless you are the older sibling in a large family or worked with kids your whole life NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR IT!! No one takes you aside when your wife is pregnant and says, 'Hey listen, this raisin' kids business is really flippin' hard and you will start aging in dog years about 15 seconds after your first kid is born. You know that life thing you have now? It's gone. Say goodbye to your friends and disposable income for the next two decades. Having sex? HA! Don't even think about it. You are now a slave to miniature humans! '
Maybe it's our displaced family lifestyle now or many of our parents are from the 'didn't talk about it much' generation but damn, raising a family has got to be the craziest on-the-job training known to mankind. I'm sure I could wear my fingers to the nub going on about the highs and lows of being a parent but maybe I'll cover a few things that might have been worth knowing 'BC.' That means, 'Before Children.'
-Where you aware that getting out of the house is probably a 3 hour ordeal, all told? I used to be able to grab my stuff and split at a moments notice, now I have to get up at 6am to get me and two kids out of the house before 10. Who knew putting on shoes would be such a major point of conversation? This could have been useful knowledge.
-Cooking is one of my joys in life, but did you know it could actually be done semi-successfully with one arm? I might have called bullshit on that one but I surprised myself here.
-Did you know when baby girls poop, it goes straight up their vaginas? I couldn't have imagined this fact back when I frequently fantasized about the female's anatomy 'BC.' It's like some indomitable law of physics or something. A girl poops, and then it goes up their vagina. A really big drawback to having a daughter with a big appetite is that I get to relive this fact over and over and over again. Maybe if someone filled me in on this ahead of time I'd would have been prepared to see this body part defaced on a daily basis.
-I wasn't aware that furniture isn't just a place to sit, it is now just a fort waiting to happen. If a couch had feelings, it would just be biding it's time before our son appeared and stripped it of it's cushions and transformed it into something much cooler. I'm sure the couch would be okay with that unless it was an uppity couch. No one told me!
Oh man, I've gotta stop before this can of worms gets out of hand. Kids are crazy; they're all weird and funny and grumpy and silly and stoic and snuggly and pouty and etc etc etc. It's nuts. Kids, wha?
But talk about unconditional love though, hey? Amazing. I love my kids.
G...
One of the funniest thing about parenthood is that unless you are the older sibling in a large family or worked with kids your whole life NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR IT!! No one takes you aside when your wife is pregnant and says, 'Hey listen, this raisin' kids business is really flippin' hard and you will start aging in dog years about 15 seconds after your first kid is born. You know that life thing you have now? It's gone. Say goodbye to your friends and disposable income for the next two decades. Having sex? HA! Don't even think about it. You are now a slave to miniature humans! '
Maybe it's our displaced family lifestyle now or many of our parents are from the 'didn't talk about it much' generation but damn, raising a family has got to be the craziest on-the-job training known to mankind. I'm sure I could wear my fingers to the nub going on about the highs and lows of being a parent but maybe I'll cover a few things that might have been worth knowing 'BC.' That means, 'Before Children.'
-Where you aware that getting out of the house is probably a 3 hour ordeal, all told? I used to be able to grab my stuff and split at a moments notice, now I have to get up at 6am to get me and two kids out of the house before 10. Who knew putting on shoes would be such a major point of conversation? This could have been useful knowledge.
-Cooking is one of my joys in life, but did you know it could actually be done semi-successfully with one arm? I might have called bullshit on that one but I surprised myself here.
-Did you know when baby girls poop, it goes straight up their vaginas? I couldn't have imagined this fact back when I frequently fantasized about the female's anatomy 'BC.' It's like some indomitable law of physics or something. A girl poops, and then it goes up their vagina. A really big drawback to having a daughter with a big appetite is that I get to relive this fact over and over and over again. Maybe if someone filled me in on this ahead of time I'd would have been prepared to see this body part defaced on a daily basis.
-I wasn't aware that furniture isn't just a place to sit, it is now just a fort waiting to happen. If a couch had feelings, it would just be biding it's time before our son appeared and stripped it of it's cushions and transformed it into something much cooler. I'm sure the couch would be okay with that unless it was an uppity couch. No one told me!
Oh man, I've gotta stop before this can of worms gets out of hand. Kids are crazy; they're all weird and funny and grumpy and silly and stoic and snuggly and pouty and etc etc etc. It's nuts. Kids, wha?
But talk about unconditional love though, hey? Amazing. I love my kids.
G...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My G-G-G-Generation
Ever stop and think about how amazing it is to be a child of the 70's? The post-Gen X'ers, so to speak? This is contingent on actually being a child of the 70's, of course, unless you can appreciate those that are when you otherwise are not.
The 70's, along with every other decade I'm sure, where interesting times. The hippies were growing up, rock and roll was really taking off, and some of the coolest people on earth were being born. From a evolutionary standpoint we were no more remarkable than anyone else, but the way technology/science/music/etc has evolved along with us has been nothing short of incredible. We were born with LP's & 8-tracks, moved to cassettes, then CDs, mp3s and now iTunes. Home movies were on giant vinyl discs and then to Beta which morphed into only VHS, then DVD, Blue Ray etc etc. And telephones? Where do I get started on phones? Born with Ma Bell rotary to portable ones that can do everything from start your car to split the atom. And you can talk on them, too! Then there's music (from folk to rock to rap to folkrockrap), computers (take up a whole room and now fit in your hand), and politics (just kidding, same old shit here just with different clowns).
I'm sure all other generations had similar advancements as they grew up but I think the difference with us is that we grew up along with them and evolved along the way, never to be left in it's wake. My parents struggled to catch up with what was changing around them but, to their credit, they put me in a computer class when I was a young teen and I'm sure that has helped with my comfort level now (not that I have any use for typing GOTO or RUN into the computer these days). I'm sure my parents parents probably had to ask their local priest if they were allowed to have a push-button phone when they were introduced, lest they be a fancy tool of the devil. I was never baffled by a VHS machine, ours always displayed the correct time, and even to this day I adapted quickly to the MacBook that I am using right now.
It's pretty cool, but it makes me think about my kids and what could possibly change as dramatically within the first 30-40 years of their lives. It's a scary thought. I'm sure existing things could get faster, smaller, etc as our kids grow up but I can't fathom there could be as significant a shift in global culture as there was in the mid-90's when the internet took off and took over. They'll never know a world when you had to write letters to communicate to people far away, machines called typewriters, or phones that only exist when plugged into a wall and then fall off the table because they vibrate like a geiger-counter when they ring. It's up to us to tell them about these things, just as older generations told us about 'when I was your age!' What's to come, I wonder?
Only time will tell, I suppose.
G.
PS. 1972 was for the coolest kids.
The 70's, along with every other decade I'm sure, where interesting times. The hippies were growing up, rock and roll was really taking off, and some of the coolest people on earth were being born. From a evolutionary standpoint we were no more remarkable than anyone else, but the way technology/science/music/etc has evolved along with us has been nothing short of incredible. We were born with LP's & 8-tracks, moved to cassettes, then CDs, mp3s and now iTunes. Home movies were on giant vinyl discs and then to Beta which morphed into only VHS, then DVD, Blue Ray etc etc. And telephones? Where do I get started on phones? Born with Ma Bell rotary to portable ones that can do everything from start your car to split the atom. And you can talk on them, too! Then there's music (from folk to rock to rap to folkrockrap), computers (take up a whole room and now fit in your hand), and politics (just kidding, same old shit here just with different clowns).
I'm sure all other generations had similar advancements as they grew up but I think the difference with us is that we grew up along with them and evolved along the way, never to be left in it's wake. My parents struggled to catch up with what was changing around them but, to their credit, they put me in a computer class when I was a young teen and I'm sure that has helped with my comfort level now (not that I have any use for typing GOTO or RUN into the computer these days). I'm sure my parents parents probably had to ask their local priest if they were allowed to have a push-button phone when they were introduced, lest they be a fancy tool of the devil. I was never baffled by a VHS machine, ours always displayed the correct time, and even to this day I adapted quickly to the MacBook that I am using right now.
It's pretty cool, but it makes me think about my kids and what could possibly change as dramatically within the first 30-40 years of their lives. It's a scary thought. I'm sure existing things could get faster, smaller, etc as our kids grow up but I can't fathom there could be as significant a shift in global culture as there was in the mid-90's when the internet took off and took over. They'll never know a world when you had to write letters to communicate to people far away, machines called typewriters, or phones that only exist when plugged into a wall and then fall off the table because they vibrate like a geiger-counter when they ring. It's up to us to tell them about these things, just as older generations told us about 'when I was your age!' What's to come, I wonder?
Only time will tell, I suppose.
G.
PS. 1972 was for the coolest kids.
Facebook Salesperson
Alright, Facebook is a great thing, it's changed the world of social media and it's a powerful force; but it's not the place to be used as a sales pitch. People I've known for years, people I've gone to school with are using their status updates to try to recruit their friends into a pyramid scheme called 'Body by Vi.' I couldn't care less how much time and money went into creating this product and I'm quite sure it's helped many many people, I just don't agree with it and I don't want to read about it when I'm on FB. At the root, it's just another scheme used to separate people from their money and give it to the people above them in the pyramid. It's inherently flawed, dishonest, a waste of time and I don't want to hear about it.
Anyone else feel this way?
G.
PS. Other bullshit schemes include Youth Juice, Skinny's (now defunct), the stock market...
Anyone else feel this way?
G.
PS. Other bullshit schemes include Youth Juice, Skinny's (now defunct), the stock market...
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